Be Careful What You Wish For
by Nanenna
Summary: Sans's brothers are scheming to have him safely married off. Red doesn't take that too kindly. Stretch just wants to be left alone. Underfell, Underswap, Miscommunication, Minor Foul Language
1. Sans's Story

The Gaster brothers were sitting in various spots around the living room, waiting. There was a knock on the back door, causing Papyrus to hop up and rush eagerly out of the room. Wingdings barely looked up from his book. Sans used a bit of magic to grab the remote from where Papyrus had been guarding it and changed the channel. Papyrus returned shortly, followed by a small gaggle of skeletons, their guests for dinner tonight. Wingdings put away his book and stood up to greet them all. Sans just nodded at them.

"DINNER SHOULD BE READY SOON," Papyrus was saying happily. "BUT IN THE MEANTIME: HOW HAVE YOU ALL BEEN?"

There were murmurs from everyone as they all checked their seats before sitting on various pieces of furniture. Sans pretended to not notice as Red flopped onto the couch, squeezing himself between Sans and the arm.

"move over, ya push over."

Sans contemplated just staying where he was and let himself be squished up next to Red's large body, or maybe lay himself across his lap. "fine," Sans said, finally scooting over. Red carefully angled himself so his horns wouldn't snag the couch as he slumped over comfortably, long, thick tail swaying idly where it hung over the edge.

While Sans was distracted with scooting, Papyrus snatched the remote from him and turned off the TV with a particularly aggressive button push. "I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR YOU'RE ALL DOING SO WELL." Papyrus sat gracefully in one of their high back arm chairs, but quickly yelped in surprise when the beginnings of a rude sound filled the air. He hopped out of his seat and spun around to glare down at it. He picked up a whoopee cushion that had been sitting innocently right in the center and angrily waved it at Sans. "SANS! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THIS EXACT THING?!"

"oh wow, how did that get there? but really, you should look before you sit, never know what could get left sitting around by accident. remember that time you sat on one of wingdings's books?"

Papyrus threw the offensive prank item at his brother, then crossed his arms and sat down. Another rude sound filled the air. Papyrus let it play out this time, glaring at Sans's smugly grinning face the entire time.

Red burst into loud, uncontrollable laughter that had him sliding half off the couch. Stretch and Wingdings joined in with more subdued laughter of their own while Blue looked sympathetic with Papyrus and Edge's brow twitched.

A servant, a collection of bones with a dull gray ghost fire for a head, entered the room with a tray of drinks to hand out to everyone.

"APPLES WILL BE IN SEASON SOON," Blue said as an obvious subject change while he took one of the offered drinks. "I KNOW OF THIS QUAINT LITTLE ORCHARD NEAR OUR HUMAN PROPERTY THAT ALWAYS HAS A VERITABLE APPLE FESTIVAL ALL THROUGH THE HARVEST."

"c'mon, bro," Stretch drawled languidly, "apples are always in season back home. plus they don't have to be _digested._" The last word was said with no small amount of disgust.

"TRUE, BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HUMAN CIDERS AND CANDIED APPLES." Blue sighed wistfully.

"HUMANS DO COME UP WITH FAR MORE FLAVORS OF… WELL… EVERYTHING," Wingdings said contemplatively. "AND THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HAVING TO SLOWLY CHEW AND SWALLOW THE FOOD THAT ALLOWS ONE TO REALLY SAVOR IT."

"I WOULD PREFER NOT TO LET HUMAN FOOD SIT AROUND TO ROT INSIDE MY BODY," Edge said tersely.

"or put in the effort to push it back out again," Red added.

"THANK YOU FOR THAT DELIGHTFUL MENTAL IMAGE, BROTHER." Edge rolled his eyes.

Another servant entered the room, it bent over to whisper something to Papyrus.

"OH! DINNER IS SERVED." Papyrus hopped out of his seat to lead their group to the dining room. The table was beautifully set, overflowing with a perfectly cooked meal. The crystal chandelier overhead was left off, instead three silver candelabras with dark blue ghost fires (clearly Wingdings's work) flickering over them lined the center of the table. They gave the room a wonderfully spooky ambiance.

Everyone complimented the table and the food on it as they all took their seats. As the plates filled with food the room filled with idle chatter about the changing weather and everyone's upcoming social plans. Monster meals never last long, soon they were all lingering over empty plates, too invested in their conversations to stand up quite yet.

"WHAT ABOUT YOU THREE?" Blue asked with a glitter in his starry eyes. "DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING BIG PLANNED FOR THE FALL?"

"INDEED WE DO," Papyrus replied eagerly. "IN FACT, WINGDINGS AND I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT! WE HAVE DECIDED. TOGETHER. THAT IT'S WELL PAST TIME SANS SETTLED DOWN."

Sans choked on his drink and sputtered incoherently while the rest of the table was filled with various approving murmurs.

"ISN'T THAT RIGHT? WINGDINGS?" Papyrus nudged their middle brother, who was seated next to him.

"OF COURSE! SANS, IT'S TIME YOU STOPPED DRAGGING YOUR FEET," Wingdings admonished with a wry smile. "IN FACT, WE HAVE SOMEONE ALL PICKED OUT FOR YOU."

"IT'S STRETCH!" Blue called excitedly as he bounced up from his seat.

"huh?! bro, i know you said i should think about marriage, but that was just this morning!"

"AND YOU'VE HAD ALL DAY TO THINK ABOUT IT." Blue grinned happily at his brother.

"papyrus, wingdings, you can't just pick out a spouse for me. for starters: i'm the oldest."

"WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED BEFORE EITHER OF US CAN, SANS. CLEARLY, IN THE NAME OF YOUR OWN BROTHERS' HAPPINESS, YOU MUST."

"oh fer the luv of… what is this? the 15th century?!" Red slammed his hands on the table and stood up to glare at the taller Gaster brothers and Blue. "ya can't jus' go 'round arrangin' marriages!"

"DO YOU HAVE A REASON WHY THIS SHOULDN'T HAPPEN?" Wingdings asked with raised brow.

"well fuck you guys too!" Red shoved away from the table and stalked out of the room. An awful silence was left in his wake, everyone left at the table staring awkwardly at each other.

"AHEM, PERHAPS WE SHOULD TAKE THIS TO THE LIVING ROOM?" Papyrus suggested with a nervous grin, sweat dripping down his skull. "OH! WE CAN HAVE DESSERT THERE."

The others all stood and filed out of the dining room, Sans lingering at the back of the crowd with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He was pulled into a nook, suddenly finding himself staring into a pair of blood red eyelights. "man, this's all bullshit! yer bros only did this 'cause yer seelie an' i'm unseelie, but that shit ain't mattered in like a millennium!"

"more like two centuries at most."

"ya don't want this, right sans?"

"of course not."

"an' yer gonna do somethin', right?"

Sans shrugged, "it's not like they can make me say 'i do' so…"

There was a clack as Red's hand hit his face, then slid down it. "i know ya, sans, i know what yer like. yer bro's gonna run 'round, makin' the _perfect_ weddin', maybe rope wingdings inta helpin', and you. yer gonna take one look at it an' you'll feel so guilty 'bout ruinin' all his hard work ya won't dare say no."

"red, this isn't the same thing as a surprise party." It won't be a surprise for one, even if Sans had known about the party well before hand because Papyrus was terrible at lying or keeping secrets.

… Okay, so maybe Red did have a point.

"no, don't. i'll take care uh this."

"how?"

"shush, you'll spoil th' surprise." Red, on the other hand, was excellent at lying and keeping secrets.

Sans was just a teeny tiny bit worried.

* * *

The next day, Sans was lingering in the gardens behind the manor. Red had texted him telling him to do so, Sans wasn't sure why Red needed him out behind the manor but he was sure it had something to do with Red's super secret plan to somehow get him out of an arranged marriage with a monster he was great friends with but had absolutely zero romantic interest in. (He knew better than to get between an unseelie monster and something they wanted.)

Ugh, lingering out here was such a pain though. The property was so large and was too close to the human side of the veil, they had to do things like wearing human glamours and do things without obvious magic (like having to walk. Ugh, too much work) while staying here. It was worth it most of the time, digital technology didn't work so great on the monster side of the veil. Or at all, really. Sans kicked a pebble while he considered whether or not sitting on that bench over there would possibly ruin Red's mysterious plans and what was that noise?

Sans tilted his head, trying to find the direction it was coming from, it was some sort of drumming noise, building as something approached. It sounded vaguely familiar, like something he hadn't heard in a long time. Then there came a muted sound echoing off the other nearby manors, a horn of some kind.

A hunting horn.

Sans recognized the drumming sound now, it was the pounding of hooves and paws along with the whirring of wheels and baying of dogs. He guessed someone got nostalgic and was careening around the wild paths, one of which led directly from their ancestral home to this property. The bench was definitely a good idea, then. It would take him off the path and out of the hunter's way. He shuffled lazily over and was about to turn and sit when the hunter came suddenly around the garden path.

It was Red.

Driving a Roman style chariot.

Drawn by two wild eyed nightmares.

There was also a pack of white, fluffy dogs running alongside the chariot, tails wagging in excitement, tongue lolling out happily. They kind of ruined the effect, honestly. Was that Greater Dog?

Any further musings were cut short as the chariot bore down on Sans and Red dropped his hunting bugle to reach down and hoist Sans up as he passed. Sans had just enough presence of mind to use a boost of gravity magic to help Red pull him safely into the chariot, though with how easily he slid into it Red probably was doing the same.

"what the hell?" Sans hollered over the wind rushing past his skull. He couldn't help laughing, this was so ridiculous! He clung to the front of the chariot and peeked over it only to get an eye socket full of horse rump.

"watch me do a sick u-ey 'round that stupid fountain!" Red hollered in reply.

"what?!"

Red only grinned and took the reins in both hands, urging the nightmares faster as they approached the large, round fountain with a large, round area of pebbles around it near the beginning of the gardens. He pulled on the reins hard, causing the nightmares to pull around the fountain, a spray of pebbles assaulting the nearby shrubbery, the dogs hollering in glee, one wheel came up as the chariot swung wide, then with a crash the chariot was on two wheels again and they were dashing madly back the way Red had come. The bugle clattered into Sans, miraculously not lost out the back of the open chariot. Sans grabbed it and pulled himself to his feet with the help of gravity magic, which he also used to keep himself anchored firmly inside the chariot. He put the horn to his teeth and blew one long, loud, clear note before pulling it away and laughing as he slung an arm over Red's shoulders.

"what the hell, man?!"

"what's't look like? 'm kidnappin' ya!"

"wait, what?"

"yer bros can't marry ya off while yer kidnapped!"

"oh my god, are you serious?!" Sans laughed again. That was too ridiculous, and such a short term solution!

"hey, i found an ol' wine skin in 'ere, wanna see if it's still good?"

Sans shrugged. Ah well, may as well go along for now, it'll be fun if nothing else.

* * *

Heeled boots clacked loudly as someone, probably Edge, entered the room. "ARE YOU TWO STILL PLAYING THAT RIDICULOUS GAME?"

"something like that," Sans replied without taking his eyes off the screen.

He could feel Edge squinting at them. "IT LOOKS DIFFERENT?"

"that's 'cause this is smash."

"yeah, we're just playing as inklings."

"WHY WOULD YOU SWITCH TO A DIFFERENT GAME JUST TO PLAY AS THE SAME CHARACTERS AGAIN? IS IT A SEQUEL OR SOMETHING?"

"nah, this one's a fightin' game, we don't gotta ink everythin' this way."

"covering the entire arena with ink is too much work."

Edge sighed heavily, Sans was sure he was pinching the bone between his sockets like he always did whenever the two of them hung out. "NEVER MIND THAT, STRETCH IS HERE TO SEE YOU."

"oh cool, smash ultimate. can i get in on the next round?" Stretch ambled in and squeezed himself on the couch next to Red, who grunted and grudgingly scooted closer to Sans. Edge sighed again and walked out of the room.

"so, now that th' party pooper's gone, why're ya really here?" Red didn't take his eyes off the screen as the counter ticked down the last few seconds.

Stretch sighed, "my bro and sans's sent me to say, and i quote, SANS ISN'T ALLOWED TO RETURN HOME UNTIL HE'S AGREED TO MARRY. AND DON'T THINK WE DON'T KNOW HE'S BEEN CAPABLE OF LEAVING WHENEVER HE WANTS THE ENTIRE TIME."

"wow, went all out on that impersonation," Red commented.

"thanks."

"ugh, here." Sans handed his controller over to Stretch, scowling at the screen.

"what? ya don't wanna play no mo'?"

"this whole thing's gotten way out of control!" Sans threw his hands in the air, then slumped down on the couch with his palms over his orbits. "i'd like to go home at some point, i miss my bros and my stuff, and i can't just hide out here forever. but i know papyrus, he really isn't going to let me step foot on any of our properties until i give in."

"i uh… i think i'm banned too?" Stretch said as he kept flipping back and forth between two characters.

"see? completely out of control. maybe i shouldn't have ignored all of papyrus's phone calls."

"i can't help but notice he didn't say **who** ya had t' be married tuh." Red had both Sans's and Stretch's complete attention. "waddya say?"

"are you asking me to marry you?"

Red shrugged, "sure, why not? we like each other, it'll get yer bros offa yer back, and i'm pretty sure it'll piss everyone off."

Stretch made a choking sound.

Sans tilted his head as he thought it over. "okay, yeah, could be fun. how do you _propose_ we pull this off?"

"vegas is still a thing, ain't it?"

Stretch choked again, his shoulders shaking with presumably repressed laughter.

"all we gotta do is get doll face here," Red jabbed a thumb towards Stretch, "t' stick 'round an' distract mah bro while we scarper off t'… i dunno. gretna green or the palace or wherever and do one uh them quick weddings."

"i don't think the palace is such a great idea, toriel and asgore will want to turn it into some kind of event and get our bros and everyone else invited. which will mean whipping up a feast and decorations and suits and well… you know how quickly things snowball with them."

"i wasn't talkin' 'bout yer palace, pretty sure queen undyne would think it's a riot and jus' go with it."

"works for me." Sans leaned forward to get a good look at Stretch, "you good with keeping edge distracted? my bros'll kill me if he gets to be there and they don't."

stretch shrugged carelessly, though it was belied by the smile quirking at the corners of his mouth and sparkling in his orbits. "yeah, i'm sure i can think of something."

* * *

AN: The servants are purely magical constructs, no thoughts in their non-heads. Just wanted that to be clear, the great thing about being made of magic is just how much of it you get to use! Ghost fire is a bit of a misnomer, they look like fire but actually emit an aura of cold. Because... you know... ghost. The boys really earned the name Gaster in this story.

It's less clear but the Fell brothers are of dragon skeleton descent (hence the horns and tails). Mmm… big, bara Red. And it didn't come up at all but Stretch and Blue are the most different: Stretch is a tall, slim elf skeleton and Blue is a short, beefy dwarf skeleton.


	2. Papyrus's Perspective

"THANK YOU FOR HAVING US," Papyrus said as he settled into an armchair in one of the Swapson brothers' sitting rooms.

"OF COURSE!" Blue replied cheerfully, "I'M HAPPY TO BE OF ASSISTANCE. THOUGH I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU NEED SOMEPLACE TO MEET LIKE THIS."

"TO KEEP THEM FROM FINDING OUT, OF COURSE." Papyrus turned to Edge, "SANS IS VISITING WITH QUEEN TORIEL. BY NOW THEY'RE TAKING TEA AND JUST STARTING ON THEIR," Papyrus grimaced, "JOKES. AND! THE QUEEN HAS HER NEW FOUNDLING TO SHOW OFF, SO HE'S GOING TO BE DISTRACTED FOR QUITE SOME TIME."

Edge nodded, "RED JUST GOT A NEW GAME, SOMETHING ABOUT SHADOWS DYING? I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE ME LEAVING AT ALL. HE PROBABLY WON'T NOTICE WHEN I RETURN EITHER."

"EXCELLENT." Wingdings clapped his hands and leaned forward in his seat. "SO BEFORE WE BEGIN WE WANT TO MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO OBJECTIONS."

"i object," Stretch said grouchily from where he was splayed across a chaise lounge. "why am i even here?"

"BECAUSE WE'RE BEING GOOD HOSTS, STRETCH. NOW HUSH AND LET US SCHEME."

"IF I HAD ANY OBJECTIONS, I WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE." Edge crossed his arms and scowled at the two Gaster brothers.

"SO IT'S AGREED," Wingdings said eagerly, "SOMETHING MUST BE DONE TO PUSH SANS AND RED INTO CONFESSING TO EACH OTHER. SO THE QUESTION IS: WHAT CAN WE DO THAT WON'T HAVE THEM PULLING AWAY LIKE A PAIR OF STUBBORN MULES?"

"THE BEST WAY TO GET SOMEONE STUBBORN TO DO WHAT YOU WANT IS TO PUSH THEM IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION."

"wait, what?" Stretch looked aghast, "bro, you don't mean that?"

"OH DON'T WORRY, BROTHER, I **NEVER** USE THAT TECHNIQUE WITH **YOU**. IT DOESN'T WORK ANYWAY, NO MATTER WHICH DIRECTION I PUSH YOU'RE TOO LAZY AND STUBBORN TO GO IN ANY DIRECTION, LET ALONE THE ONE I WANT."

Stretch sat up and opened his mouth, but then a confused look crossed his face and he wilted back into the lounge.

"SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS WE PRETEND TO BE BLIND TO THEIR BLATANTLY OBVIOUS FEELINGS AND PUSH ONE OR BOTH OF THEM INTO A DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP?" Edge asked skeptically.

"IT'S SO PERFECT!" Papyrus cried. He clapped his hands as he continued. "THEY CAN'T SAY IT'S NOT LIKE US, LOOK AT US PLAYING MATCHMAKER RIGHT NOW. BUT IT'LL SO SURPRISE THEM THAT ONE WILL HAVE TO CONFESS AT THE VERY LEAST! THEY WON'T SUSPECT A THING!"

"I THINK TRYING TO DRAG THEM BOTH INTO FAKE RELATIONSHIPS WOULD BE A BIT MUCH, OR AT LEAST TOO OBVIOUS," Wingdings said, "BUT IT MIGHT JUST WORK. NOW THEN, WHO WOULD BE THE BETTER CANDIDATE FOR MATCHMAKING AND WHO WOULD WE PRETEND TO PUSH HIM TOWARDS?"

"IF I TRY TO PUSH RED INTO ANY RELATIONSHIP HE'LL JUST TELL ME TO FUCK OFF AND REFUSE TO BUDGE IN ANY DIRECTION."

"LANGUAGE, EDGE!" Papyrus scolded. "BUT SADLY THAT DOES SEEM LIKE HIM. ON THE OTHER HAND, SANS WILL JUST GO ALONG WITH ANYTHING WE SAY. EVEN IF HE WANTS TO FIGHT IT, HE'LL DO IT BY DODGING HIS WAY OUT."

"BUT RED WON'T," Edge said with a gleam in his eye. "HE'LL OBJECT TO ANYTHING THAT COULD GET BETWEEN HIM AND SANS. A LITTLE PUSH AND HIS FEELINGS WILL COME SPILLING OUT."

"AND SANS WILL BE SO WOOED!" Papyrus looked close to swooning himself.

"SO THEN, WHO ARE WE GOING TO PRETEND TO MATCH SANS UP WITH?" Wingdings put a hand to his chin to ponder possible candidates. "IT MUST BE SOMEONE BELIEVABLE, YET SANS WOULD NEVER CONSIDER THAT WAY."

"AND WHOEVER THEY ARE MUST BE SOMEONE WE CAN TRUST TO TELL THE PLAN TO, IT WON'T DO TO USE SOMEONE LIKE THAT WITHOUT FAIR WARNING. AND ALSO SO THEY CAN BE PREPARED IN CASE RED DECIDES TO GET… PROACTIVE." Everyone shivered at the way Edge said "proactive," an unpleasant reminder of the lengths an unseelie monster would be willing to go to a seelie monster wouldn't.

"I VOLUNTEER STRETCH."

"what? bro, no!"

"INDEED!" Edge agreed angrily.

"OH, YOU OBJECT?" Blue asked Edge sweetly.

"I JUST… DON'T THINK… STRETCH IS THE RIGHT CANDIDATE FOR THIS."

"yeah, ditto."

"BUT HE'S SO PERFECT!" Papyrus cut in eagerly. "HE'S ALREADY IN ON THE PLAN, HE'S ALREADY FRIENDS WITH SANS, AND RED TOO SO RED WOULD NEVER TRY TO HURT HIM. PLUS, EVEN IF THIS DOESN'T WORK THERE'S NO CHANCE OF THIS TURNING INTO SOME CONVOLUTED LOVE TRIANGLE."

"LOVE TRIANGLES ARE SOMETHING TO BE WARY OF," Blue agreed.

Edge crossed his arms and legs, then turned his head to the side to mutter something dark under his breath, but otherwise kept further objections to himself.

"what about my objection?"

"DO YOU NOT WANT TO HELP US?" Papyrus asked with big, shining eye sockets.

"honestly? not really, i think this is going to backfire spectacularly. while i don't mind watching the fireworks, i don't want to get in the line of fire. and what's more, i'm the older brother."

"BY LIKE TWO MINUTES," Blue said dismissively.

"more like two hours."

"SANS IS THE OLDEST ONE TOO," Papyrus said. "AND IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT'S A FAKE RELATIONSHIP, IT'S ONLY GOING TO LAST AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR RED TO OBJECT."

"SO, WHEN DO WE SPRING THE TRAP?" Blue asked.

"WE'RE HOSTING A LITTLE GET TOGETHER NEXT WEEK, WE CAN DO IT THEN," Papyrus said with a wide grin.

"AN EXCELLENT IDEA, BROTHER! NOW TO DECIDE HOW TO GO ABOUT THIS, I DON'T THINK WE WANT TO TRY BEING SUBTLE OR THEY MIGHT DECIDE IT'S NOT WORTH DOING ANYTHING ABOUT."

"AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE!" Everyone turned their heads to slowly look at Papyrus in open horror. "WHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE WE'LL BE PUSHING SANS AND STRETCH DOWN AN AISLE."

"i should hope not!"

"AND ONE ARRANGED DATE MIGHT NOT BE ENOUGH FOR RED TO OBJECT," Papyrus continued. "THESE TWO ARE VERY THICK HEADED, WE HAVE TO SMACK THEM UPSIDE THEIR SKULLS TO GET THE IDEA THROUGH TO THEM."

"THEY DO HAVE RATHER THICK SKULLS," Edge said reluctantly.

"AND IT'S NOT LIKE THE ENGAGEMENT IS GOING TO BE OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED OR ANYTHING. WE ANNOUNCE IT PRIVATELY AT OUR SOIREE, RED OBJECTS, THE FAKE ENGAGEMENT IS OFF, NO ONE OUTSIDE OF OUR FAMILIES EVER HAS TO HEAR ABOUT IT AT ALL, AND HOPEFULLY IN A CENTURY OR TWO WE CAN ANNOUNCE A REAL ENGAGEMENT BETWEEN SANS AND RED."

"I'M STILL NOT SURE," Edge said darkly.

"i don't like it either," Stretch agreed with a pout.

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER SO LONG AS YOU CAN ACT SURPRISED AT THE PARTY." Blue grinned at his brother.

* * *

"WELL, THAT WAS CERTAINLY A DISASTER." Papyrus flopped into a chair, Wingdings sitting in the one next to it more slowly. The guests had all left, Sans had fallen asleep on the couch, and the two younger Gasters had moved upstairs to the library to quietly discuss their plan and how utterly it had failed.

"INDEED, I DON'T THINK PUSHING AT THIS ANY MORE WILL DO ANY GOOD."

"THE RUSE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO LAST PAST TONIGHT ANYWAY. BUT WHAT DO WE TELL SANS? IF WE ADMIT TO OUR SCHEME IT'S JUST GOING TO PUSH HIM FURTHER AWAY FROM RED."

"WE CERTAINLY CAN'T HAVE THAT, BUT WE ALSO CAN'T LET HIM BELIEVE WE'RE STILL TRYING TO SET HIM UP WITH STRETCH. WHAT A CONUNDRUM." They fell into silence as they both thought the matter over. Wingdings snapped his fingers and grinned broadly. "WE LET HIM STEW ON IT FOR A FEW DAYS."

"THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE WERE JUST SAYING?"

"NO, LISTEN, WE WAIT UNTIL HE BRINGS UP THE MATTER WITH ONE OR BOTH OF US, WE ASK IF HE'S REALLY THAT UPSET AT THE IDEA, THEN TELL HIM THAT OF COURSE WE'RE NOT GOING TO FORCE HIM AND WE ONLY WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY. HE'LL BE SO RELIEVED."

"WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER TO JUST ASK HIM ABOUT IT IN THE MORNING? OR RIGHT NOW? WE CAN GO DOWN, WAKE HIM UP TO GO SLEEP IN HIS OWN ROOM, THEN JUST ASK HIM!" Papyrus moved to stand and go do just that.

"WAITING FOR SANS TO APPROACH US GIVES RED A CHANCE TO SAY OR DO SOMETHING FIRST."

"OH, THAT IS A POINT." Papyrus settled back into his seat, then turned to Wingdings with sparkling eyes. "DO YOU REALLY THINK RED'LL DO SOMETHING IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS?"

"I DON'T KNOW HIM AS WELL AS HIS BROTHER, BUT IT IS POSSIBLE. WE DID PUT THE PRESSURE ON HIM. A LITTLE TOO MUCH, I FEAR. PERHAPS WE SHOULD INVITE HIM OVER TO HANG OUT. EDGE TOO, IF WE DON'T WANT TO BE TOO OBVIOUS. I DON'T WANT RED TO THINK WE DON'T APPROVE."

"AND IF HE DOES COME OVER THERE'S A HIGHER CHANCE HE'LL SAY SOMETHING TO SANS! OH, BUT IT'S A LITTLE TOO SOON TO INVITE HIM OVER AFTER JUST HAVING HIM OVER FOR A DINNER PARTY."

"WE'LL CALL EDGE AND MAKE ARRANGEMENTS. HE CAN HELP US FIGURE OUT HOW SOON IS TOO SOON AND HOW LONG TO LET OUR BROTHERS SIMMER. WHILE WE'RE AT IT WE CAN FIGURE OUT SOMETHING REASONABLE TO INVITE THEM OVER FOR, TEA OR A MOVIE NIGHT OR SOMETHING."

"AN EXCELLENT IDEA, BROTHER! AND EDGE WILL BE SO IMPRESSED WITH OUR NEW AND IMPROVED PLAN THAT OF COURSE HE'LL GO ALONG WITH IT!"

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE JUST PLAYING VIDEO GAMES?" Papyrus yelled into his phone in frustration.

"I MEAN EXACTLY WHAT I SAY," Edge hissed back tersely. "THEY'RE JUST SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM. THE. LIVING! ROOM! NOT EVEN RED'S BEDROOM DESPITE THE FACT I KNOW HE HAS THE EXACT SAME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM SET UP IN THERE! AND THEY'RE PLAYING SOME SORT OF COLORFUL CARTOON GAME? IT'S GIVING ME A HEADACHE JUST TO LOOK AT. AND THE SOUNDS IT MAKES! CHILDISH SPLATS AND OTHER CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS." Edge sounded completely disgusted at the immature game.

"SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT RED PULLED OUT AN OLD CHARIOT OF HIS AND DRAGGED A BUNCH OF HIS FRIENDS INTO THIS KIDNAPPING STUNT… JUST TO PLAY SOME VIDEO GAMES WITH SANS?" Papyrus would be impressed at the effort alone if it didn't throw their entire matchmaking plans out the window. And down a hill. Off a cliff. Into the ocean. With a bunch of rocks for the plans to be dashed upon. "DO YOU AT LEAST KNOW IF RED CONFESSED? SURELY THEY'RE AN ITEM NOW AFTER THAT."

"IF KIDNAPPING WERE STILL CONSIDERED A MARRIAGE I'D SAY YES, BUT IT'S BEEN A FEW CENTURIES SINCE THAT FELL OUT OF FAVOR AND THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING PARTICULARLY AFFECTIONATE SINCE SANS GOT HERE. HE SLEPT ON THE COUCH LAST NIGHT. AND NOT EVEN THE ONE THAT CAN PULL OUT INTO A BED."

"SURELY YOU HAVE GUEST ROOMS?"

"WE DO," Edge ground out angrily. "AND THE PUNS THEY MADE AT BREAKFAST! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH MORE I CAN HANDLE."

"WHAT CAN I DO? SANS IS IGNORING ALL MY PHONE CALLS AND EXPERTLY CRAFTED TEXTS!"

"WHAT ABOUT WINGDINGS? SANS HASN'T MENTIONED RECEIVING ANY COMMUNICATIONS FROM HIM."

"HE'S WASHED HIS HANDS OF THIS WHOLE THING, SAID IT CLEARLY FAILED AND PUSHING MORE WON'T GET THEM GOING IN THE DIRECTION WE WANT OR EVEN THE DIRECTION WE'RE PRETENDING TO WANT, BUT RATHER SOME OTHER, RANDOM, FAR WORSE DIRECTION."

"SO FAR HE SEEMS TO BE RIGHT."

"I'LL TALK TO BLUE!" Papyrus said desperately. "THIS WAS HIS IDEA!"

"THE ARRANGED MARRIAGE WAS YOURS."

"SURELY HE OR STRETCH CAN DO SOMETHING, JUST DON'T BLOW THE PLAN YET!" Papyrus hung up before Edge could say anything else.

* * *

"THEY ELOPED?" Blue asked blankly.

"YES!" Edge growled. "I SWEAR, IT'S LIKE YOU ALL TURNED INTO ECHO ALL OF A SUDDEN."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY TO STOP THEM?" Papyrus asked, he collapsed into a chair, seemingly suddenly faint.

"BECAUSE SOMEONE AGREED TO BE A DISTRACTION."

"you gotta admit, i was pretty distracting," Stretch said with half lidded eyes, completely ignoring the way Edge's grip on his hoodie's sleeve was surely tearing holes in the fabric.

Blue eyed his brother warily, but seemed to decide that line of questioning would be put aside for now in favor of the more immediate problem. "WHY DID YOU LET IT GET TO THE POINT OF THEM **ELOPING**?!"

"i thought the whole point was for them to hook up?"

"YES," Papyrus ground out, "BUT AN ENGAGEMENT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE THAN ENOUGH. EVEN JUST THEM ADMITTING THEIR FEELINGS TO EACH OTHER AND DATING WOULD HAVE MADE US HAPPY, AND YOU KNEW THAT! WHY DID THEY THINK THEY HAD TO RUN OFF AND GET MARRIED BEHIND OUR BACKS? DID YOU DELIVER MY CAREFULLY CRAFTED MESSAGE WORD FOR WORD?"

"eh, i said engaged and no return, those were the important parts."

Papyrus buried his face in his palm.

"BUT WHY DID YOU AGREE TO BE A DISTRACTION AND LET THEM RUN OFF?!" Edge yelled. "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CONFESS TO THIS STUPID SCHEME?!"

Stretch just shrugged, "i thought you guys would be happy they put in all that effort."

"WELL YES, IT IS NICE THEY DID SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE," Papyrus sighed. "BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO BE AT OUR BROTHERS' WEDDING!"

"I MISSED IT! I MISSED MY ONLY BROTHER'S WEDDING!"

Stretch finally had the good grace to look ashamed at the hurt tone in Edge's voice.

"AND THEY PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN CHANGE! I BET RED WAS STILL WEARING THOSE RATTY SNEAKERS HE'S BEEN PUTTING OFF REPLACING."

"AND SANS WAS PROBABLY STILL WEARING THAT STAINED HOODIE HE LOVES SO MUCH."

Stretch looked far less ashamed then, clearly his priorities weren't in order.

"IF IT ONLY JUST HAPPENED, THEY HAVEN'T HAD A RECEPTION YET," Blue said sympathetically. "AT THE VERY LEAST YOU CAN PUT TOGETHER THAT YOURSELVES."

Papyrus and even Edge did perk up at that. "KNOWING QUEEN UNDYNE, SHE EITHER WON'T THINK OF IT AT ALL OR WILL INSIST ON INVITING SOME PEOPLE OVER FOR DRINKS. ANY EXCUSE TO HAVE A PARTY." Edge's tone went from hopeful to sad again.

"EVEN SO," Papyrus said, "ASGORE AND TORIEL WILL WANT TO HAVE A CELEBRATION TOO, AND OUR BROTHERS DON'T KNOW THEY'RE WELCOME BACK YET SO WE HAVE A LITTLE TIME TO PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER. A CROSS KINGDOM PARTY!"

"there, see? no harm, no foul. have a big, fancy celebration of the seelie and unseelie continuing friendship or whatever."

"NOW ALL I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT, ASIDE FROM ARRANGING A RECEPTION AND SOMEHOW LETTING SANS AND RED KNOW WE'RE NOT MAD AT THEM, IS HOW I'M GOING TO TELL WINGDINGS ALL OF THIS."

"STRETCH AND I CAN GO FETCH RED AND SANS," Blue offered cheerfully. "WE CAN GO NOW AND YOU CAN CONTACT US WHEN YOU'RE READY."

"NO, THIS IS PARTIALLY YOUR FAULT TOO, YOU'RE COMING WITH US TO GIVE PAPYRUS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT WHILE HE TELLS WINGDINGS EVERYTHING."

"I WOULD VERY MUCH APPRECIATE THAT."

"OH, ALRIGHT, YOU DO HAVE A POINT. BROTHER, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE KEEPING AN EYE ON THE HAPPY COUPLE WHILE WE GET THE RECEPTION READY?"

"sure, why not. i'll even save you lot the trouble of admitting to your scheme."

"WHY DO I GET THE FEELING SOME DETAILS ARE GOING TO GET LOST OR WARPED IN TRANSLATION?" Papyrus narrowed his orbits at Stretch.

Stretch just shrugged, "you three better hurry up, who knows how long one of queen undyne's parties can last?"

"KNOWING HER?" Edge said placidly, "A FEW DAYS AT LEAST."

"WE'LL HURRY THOUGH, AND SEND WORD WHEN WE'RE READY FOR THE HAPPY COUPLE'S RETURN." Blue started prying Stretch out of Edge's grip.

"JUST TELL HER TO BRING HER PARTY TO OUR PARTY WHEN WE'RE READY, WE'LL MAKE SURE TO MAKE ROOM FOR HER COURT. I'M SURE SHE'LL BE HAPPY TO KEEP THE WINE FLOWING UNTIL THEN."

* * *

AN: Tada! It's a bit rushed and very silly, but I just wanted this out and done asap so it is what it is. To be truthful this has been an idea I've wanted to do for a very long time, since before Undertale even existed. Hades and Persephone is just so… *chef kiss* But it's also just something that doesn't really fit modern day morals, it's full of kidnapping and possibly rape and a bunch of other stuff. Hence turning it into a Shakespearean comedy, or an attempt at one anyway. Let me have my fun! XD


	3. Stretch's Tale

Unplanned continuation because a friend requested it. Aren't y'all lucky?

* * *

Stretch strolled leisurely through the unseelie queen's palace, going at a pace that seemed to make the violently swirling vortex of grayish water leading the way froth and spit with impatience. Or maybe that's how it just was, he's never heard of a magical construct that actually had any intelligence before. And it's not like he even needed it to lead the way, all he had to do was follow the loud, off-key singing drifting through the hallways. The servant paused next to a pair of wide open doors. Stretch sauntered through and paused just past the threshold to look around. At the far end of the room, backed by a huge fireplace and a roaring fire, was a row of long tables lined up single file, sitting atop them were piles and piles of delicious looking goodies, and behind the tables was a single row of chairs sporting monsters all swaying drunkenly, singing, waving tankards that spilled what looked to be wine, laughing, shoving food in their faces, or just face down on the table and snoring. It'd only been a couple of hours, how were some of them already pass out drunk?

There were several hoots and hollers when the party goers noticed Stretch. He started ambling again, aiming to go around the tables to get to the very center, where Red and Sans were sitting, Undyne next to Red and someone Stretch didn't know next to Sans. He had his arm slung over them as they sang a rather bawdy song.

"Take it off!"

"Show us what you got!"

"Let's see them pretty bones!"

Several more ribald calls were thrown Stretch's way. He rolled his eye sockets but couldn't help smirking as he twirled, letting the diaphanous fabric Blue had forced him to drape himself with flare around him.

"lookin' good, doll face," Red said with laughter in his voice.

Stretch shrugged, "blue said if we're going to pull a wedding out of our asses i had to dress up, but i also wasn't allowed to dress better than the grooms." Stretch eyed them, looks like Papyrus and Edge were right, they hadn't changed.

"WHAT?" Undyne yelled gleefully, "Someone's getting married?!"

"uh… yeah? these two idiots, i hope." Stretch pointed at Sans and Red as he finished walking around to join them.

"nah," Sans said, his grin growing wider and a dangerously mischievous glint in his eye sockets. "too much work."

"wait, seriously? you two didn't actually get married?"

"nope!" Red popped the P as he gave Stretch a sharp toothed grin.

"i'm just here for undyne's killer party."

Stretch laughed disbelievingly before collapsing onto the bench seat next to Sans. "what the hell, now your brothers are really going to kill me. you know this means i have to drag you two home right now instead of waiting for them to let us know the after party's ready."

"eh, let them stew for a bit," Sans said dismissively, then took a long draw from his tankard.

"After party?" Undyne leaned over Red to loudly direct her question at Stretch. He didn't know why she bothered, he was pretty sure they could hear her in the next room. "What after party?"

"well these two told me they were eloping and their bros were so upset over missing the wedding… and come to think of it not having actually missed the wedding is probably better for me in the long run, that they decided to throw together a last minute reception. i'm supposed to wait for them to send a message that it's all set up and ready to go, then invite y'all over to asgore's and toriel's place."

"Just these two y'all or all y'all?"

"all y'all, of course!" Stretch scoffed, offended that Undyne would think he'd mention a party in front of her that she wasn't invited too. Even if she weren't a queen that'd be just plain rude.

"Sweet! It's been a while since I've been to a seelie shindig! Wait… if they're not actually married does that mean it's canceled?"

Stretch shrugged, hell if he knew.

Undyne slammed down her tankard and pushed her sleeves up. "Okay, I'm gonna marry you two nerds right here, right now! I HAVE to if we want to have that sweet after party!"

"don't bother," Red drawled. "if we wait 'til they send fer us it'll be all ready t' go, with guests an' e'rything. they ain't gonna cancel just 'cause this chump believed our lies."

"besides," Sans added, "we can just call it an engagement party."

"oh?" Stretch sat up, fully awake and invested. "you're engaged now?"

Sans shrugged. Red started picking at his teeth. "i mean… i guess it's official now. kinda hafta afta all that hullabaloo."

"hulla…?" Stretch broke into laughter, he never expected to hear such a silly word come outta the filthy mouth of his unseelie friend. "well so long as it's official, it'll be good enough to keep everyone happy."

"happy? i thought they were still trying to hook you and me up?"

"yeah… about that…" Stretch took a deep breath. "it was fake."

"wait, what?!" Red stood up and slammed both hands on the table, claws digging into the thick wood. "whaddya mean it was fake?!"

Stretch motioned between the two, "your bros were tired of the two of you dancing around your feelings-"

"we weren't dancing!" Red interrupted indignantly.

"bucko, you know we've been kind of a thing for a while now."

"**i** knew, but apparently your bros didn't. anyway, they came up with this hare-brained scheme to get one or the other of you to "confess" and decided to drag me into it. _against my will,_ i might add." Not that he was sure the other two heard him over the loud laughter now filling the room.

"they wanted t' make us hook up by arrangin' a fake engagement? that's the stupidest shit!"

"that's what i said! but i figured it would be hilarious to watch if nothing else, i didn't expect all…" Stretch paused to motion vaguely around them, "to happen."

"wait, so you knew it was fake the whole time?" Sans had plopped an elbow on the table and rested his skull on his fist, grinning amiably at Stretch. That was never a good sign.

"even 'fore we axed ya t' distract my bro while we "eloped"?"

Stretch started sweating. "i thought it'd get your bros off your backs?"

"good thing we tricked you, huh?"

"yup! it sure is! you got me good with that one!" Stretch started to laugh, but his voice cracking from nerves really didn't help sell it. "and engaged! wow! that's some amazing news!"

Undyne smacked Red so hard on the back he just barely saved himself from face-planting on the table. "The beanpole's right, getting engaged is great! Tie the knot, settle down, start a family, live that domestic fluff long fic!"

"i got no idea what that last one even means," Red groused. "and speak fer yerself! ya better hurry up with that alphys chick er my bro's gonna set his matchmaker sights on ya next."

Undyne sputtered. "I'm working on it!"

The table erupted into more laughter.

Fortunately everyone was ready to change topics after that. Stretch was glad, he wanted to stuff his face a little before they went all the way to the other side of the monster wilds. Ain't no party like an unseelie party, after all. Not nearly enough time for a whole party to have actually been thrown together later a bluebird flew into the room. An eye searingly bright blue bluebird, glowing a familiar shade of cyan Stretch would recognize anywhere. It circled the room once before landing on Stretch's outstretched finger and twittered a quick message to him. Then it flew away again.

"welp, that was the signal. y'all ready to move the party over to the seelie palace?" He was met with a round of cheers.

* * *

For some reason Sans and Red insisted they walk into their wedding rece- no wait, engagement party with Stretch sandwiched between them. Red's tail was swaying back and forth as he walked, the wide grin on his face a sure sign he was in a good mood. Stretch couldn't help but think that meant bad news for him.

The entire seelie court had gathered in the courtyard where gently glowing fairy lights (the Gaster brothers probably did that just so Sans could make bad jokes about them) were strung up over a veritable field of round tables, each one surrounded by a few delicate looking chairs. Off to the side was a buffet table practically overflowing with finger foods, another full of bite sized desserts, yet another lined with punch bowls, and even a table with a few prettily wrapped gifts on it. Over the buffet tables was an ivory banner with curling golden script that simply read "Congratulations Sans and Red" with a pair of church bells on the end. Well that was a bit of luck, it would work just as well for an engagement party.

Just as the three of them stepped fully into the courtyard the seelie court yelled "Congratulations!" and set off a bunch of party poppers. Shrieks of glee, confetti, magic, and the faintest whiff of spent gunpowder filled the air.

Red punched the air with both fists, "we're not married!"

The crowd before them all groaned, a few cries of dismay and the odd "Are you kidding me?!" thrown in for flavor. Blue burst into uncontrollable laughter. Wingdings simply turned around and walked over to a pillow pit Stretched hadn't noticed before Wingdings threw himself into it. Face first. Someone should tell him planking was so last decade.

"STRETCH!" Papyrus scolded, "YOU TOLD US THEY RAN OFF TO GET MARRIED!"

"that's what they told me!" Stretch rightfully protested. Both Papyrus and Edge had their arms crossed and were scowling at him, it was eerie how similar they looked when they did that, even if Edge's scowl was way scarier.

"serves the lotta ya right fer schemin' like that."

"A BIT LATE, BUT AT LEAST HE FINALLY TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT. HONESTLY, I'M SURPRISED HE DIDN'T WARN THE PAIR OF YOU AHEAD OF TIME." Edge scoffed and rolled his pips. Honestly it probably would have been a lot funnier if he had.

"Oh? What scheming is your dear brother talking about?" Toriel batted her eyelashes at Edge.

"ERM… PERHAPS WE SHOULD DISCUSS THIS AT A LATER TIME."

"our bros got impatient and tried their hand at matchmaking," Red said loudly. He was met with laughter from both courts, Undyne and the others crowding behind them. Stretch was just starting to feel the teensiest bit trapped. "but that's alrigh', we can jus' make this an engagement party instead."

"Oh Sans! Congratulations!" Toriel scooped Sans up to give him a warm hug.

"THEY'RE ENGAGED!" Papyrus whooped as he jumped and clicked his heels three whole times, the show off. There was a cheer from both sets of crowds, Wingdings suddenly sat up and started scrambling out of the pillow pit, the unseelie court took that (the cheering, not Wingdings's mad scramble) as the sign the party was officially started and surged forward to start mingling. Stretch tried to start sidling away, or at least get close enough to a wall to actually sidle, when clawed hands grabbed his wrist in a firm grip.

"nah, sweet cheeks, i'm sure our bros got plenty t' say t' ya."

Stretch groaned, but allowed himself to be dragged over to where Toriel had deposited Sans with his brothers, Edge and Blue hovering nearby as they had their reunion. Blue perked up when he noticed them approaching.

"BROTHER! ISN'T THIS GREAT?"

"yeah, just the bee's knees. isn't it just terrific how edge and wingdings and papyrus didn't miss their brothers' wedding at all? what a lovely engagement party!"

"IT IS LOVELY," Wingdings said, looking around proudly. "BUT I CAN'T HELP FEELING IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN BETTER IF WE HADN'T HAD TO THROW IT ALL TOGETHER LAST MINUTE UNDER THE BELIEF THAT WE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE."

Stretch sputtered. "this whole thing was his idea!" He pointed at Blue, "don't blame this on me!"

"AND LOOK HOW WELL IT WORKED OUT, THEY'RE ENGAGED!" Blue gave them all a winning smile. "AND IN A FEW YEARS WE'LL ALL LOOK BACK ON THIS AND LAUGH. NOW IF ONLY MY OWN DEAR BROTHER WOULD STOP DRAGGING HIS OWN FEET." Blue batted his eye sockets up at Stretch.

If the deer in the headlights look Edge was giving Blue was anything to go on he'd ask before the week was out. Heck, he'd probably be down on one knee right now if this wasn't someone else's engagement party.

"SO," Blue continued happily, "HAVE YOU TWO DECIDED ON A DATE YET?"

"we haven't really had a chance to discuss it, but i think a fall wedding would be nice. have a whole harvest theme to it, earth tones, leaves and berries, a cornucopia around there somewhere. what do you think red?"

"that sounds nice. and why not go dramatic, have it on the first day of fall."

"THAT SOUNDS LOVELY," Papyrus said dreamily. "WHAT ABOUT NEXT YEAR?" There was a glint to his eye sockets, like he was trying to railroad his brother into having a short engagement.

"why wait?" Sans asked. "we should just have it this year."

"BUT THAT'S ONLY A WEEK AWAY?" Edge asked incredulously.

"sure, if our bros can throw all this together in just one afternoon, imagine what they can do with a whole week." Sans winked at them.

"OH MY GOD, SANS NO!"


End file.
